Even though I’m pretty good at monopoly, I don’t have a monopoly of knowledge. Therefore, in this series, I shall also be sharing other people’s stories, just for us to get different points of view.
Today I’m sharing a story by a beautiful slender girl, like myself. Since this is some heavy stuff, the author asked me to keep her identity secret, so forgive me. I really hope that, that small detail won’t affect how you perceive the message.
Here’s her story.
Atelphobia- the fear of not being good enough.
Here’s my story in the form of a letter.
I was 11 years old, when you sent me my first letter. The Internet had just become a big thing to me and you emphasized on those pictures of beautiful girls with curvy bodies, subconsciously making that my marking scheme of what beauty was.
At 12 my classmates started maturing physically, and started dating. It amused me at first, until you sent me another letter asking, ‘why is no one hitting on you? Why is there no hint of puberty in you?’
At 13 I started being asked if I’m ‘anorexic’, a word I didn’t even understand. At home I was forced to eat, my food inspected before and after I ate and sometimes shoved down my throat like a little baby. You always took that chance to make me hate myself. One day, my mother, told me that I won’t get someone who wants to marry me with the ‘skinny body that I had’. I can still hear your evil laugh.
I told you. You. Are. Not. Beautiful. Why don’t you listen? In fact. Never take off that jacket in school. You wouldn’t want people to see that disgusting body.
I was only 13. Did you have to be so insensitive?
One time, as other things were falling apart in my life, you continued whispering your lies. Right there and then, I decided that I had had enough. At 13, I decide to take my own life. And even though I didn’t succeed, I died in the inside, a death that’s worse that physical death itself.
At 14 a popular boy and I started dating. I was on top of the world with love. You even stopped sending me letters for a while. I had discovered how it feels to have someone love and accept me for who I was. That love filled me with light and hope.
Until he cheated on me, with girls who looked like the women you showed me on the internet.
You gladly took me back to that pit of sadness and self pity, where you sat me down and made it clear that I’d never measure up to the curvy girls.
In high school you had the same song, but my way of dealing with it had changed. I drank my sorrows and insecurities away from 15 years and kissed every Tom, Dick and Harry that paid any attention to me.
You insisted that I should just settle for anything that accepted me, so I started serial dating, changing boys like socks. All but 3 of them cheated on me and each time they did, you sent me another letter to remind me of my place.
At 16, a boy who was several years older took interest in me and I fell for the trap, until he almost tried to rape me and everything fell apart. You sent me letters every single hour. They read, ‘You’re not beautiful.’ ‘Look at your ugly skinny body, who would love you?’ ‘You’ll never be enough.’ ‘Boys don’t want skin and bones’..
I went through the deepest pit of depression, my suicidal thoughts were awakened once again and at 16, I tried to end my life again. And failed, dying a little more inside. A deep wound formed inside me, that when I discover the art of self-harm a year later, I started slitting my thighs, because I wanted to put on that smile, and not have my wrists give a story that I was trying to hide.
Then at some point, you turned gaining weight into an obsession.
You caused me to make crazy unrealistic meal plans for gaining weight, look up ways to make my breasts, hips and bum grow. I tried eating and drinking those things they tell you about, and doing those ridiculous exercises and massages. I forced myself to eat, even when I was not hungry, and continued even when I was almost vomiting. I drank medicine to increase my appetite and shoved glasses of the whole milk mixed with weight gaining protein powder down my throat. Then I started exercising because all the bloggers and YouTubers swore that it would help. I had hope that something would change but.. nothing ever did.
Then I stopped obsessing. I don’t know the exact date or time, but I stopped.
Some days were good, others were still hard, but things were suddenly different. Even your letters came less often.
Some days I’d think my body is perfect, my waist is beautiful, hips the perfect width, breasts the right size. On other days I’d be tempted to wish my hips were a bit wider, butt a bit bigger and breasts a bit fuller like those beautiful curvy women.
I remember how much you loved heartbreaks, because that’s where you thrived most. You’d choke me with feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness, and tried to convince me that I wasn’t beautiful, but I fought it with everything I had.
I stopped having the sick desire to feel loved and accepted and told that I’m beautiful. I got out of my shell and became comfortable and confident in my body, started wearing clothes that made me feel beautiful, started feeling like I was enough and stopped getting defined by the standard of beauty that was out there.
I realized that beauty is from within and that when you start feeling beautiful from the inside, it starts oozing outside. It shows in your dressing, the way you carry yourself, the value you have for yourself, in your confidence, your attitude and in how you perceive and are perceived by others. You stop trying to be beautiful and become genuinely beautiful.
Insecurities, you’ve had such a hold of me all my life, but I refuse to let you control me any more. So this is my last letter to you. Goodbye faithful companion, you have no place in the life of a beautiful gem like me, who is fearfully and wonderfully made.
Beautiful and Proud skinny girl.
I hope her story educated and inspired you as much as it inspired me. I personally feel like everyone has become very vocal against body shaming for thick girls, and that’s great. But what about the body shaming skinny girls go through?
The world will always have something to say about beauty in line with your body size. You can’t change people’s opinions on you, but you can change your opinion on yourself. Never forget that.
YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL.
Do you relate with the story shared above? Share in the comments below.
That’s it for today. Till next time.
Remember to be a rainbow in someone else’s cloud.
Grow and glow. Xx